My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
