Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
