someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
