tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
