I think I won the penis lottery.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
