Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
