i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
