Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
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