i'm lost and i look like a hooker
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
