Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm sobbing to NWA
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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