Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
