I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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