My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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