the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize