on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
