I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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