Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
