just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
