Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize