I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
