Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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