Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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