I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
