He asked to "fluff my boner.."
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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