I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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