I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Randomize
