I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
