Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
