It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
