Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
