A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize