She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
should my penis look like a turkey
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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