upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
