I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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