Dude my mom stole all your condoms
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize