tequila makes me forget i have legs
God, you're like boner-b-gone
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
