im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
