If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
