i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
