sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
