Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
