My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
