I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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