I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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