If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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