she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
