my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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