so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
