God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
