ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I could fuck to npr.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
