you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize