I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
