I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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