i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize