I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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