Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
