last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
